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“Cause I think that loneliness would serve us well, it's all real enough to know that you won't understand me.”

Title from: Cautious Clay - Stolen Moments [Spotify | YouTube]

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I like to go drinking alone.

Usually people would raise their eyebrows in confusion after I say this, with dozens of opinions running, both spoken afterwards or not spoken. It may sound pathetic, aside from obviously dangerous, but at the end of the day, I still do it every now and then.

As someone who can’t be alone even when wanting some time on my own, going to a crowded bar is the easiest way out. It’s packed, music blasting loud, but at the same time you don’t really have to deal with anyone. You just drink, drowned in your own thoughts, sing when you want to, and after you finish, you go home. It’s less tiring - cause sometimes you will go home earlier, it’s definitely cheaper, but it gets the job done.

I have plenty of interesting experiences when doing this. As I usually went to the bar, I would bound to talk to someone and even get a new friend from simply asking them to save me my spot when I went to the restroom, especially when the place got more crowded later in the night. That simple request can lead to many conversations, and I ended up knowing quite some people from doing this.

But another interesting thing is watching other people, too. You will see tables with group of friends, and that’s when you realize, “Huh.. So this is how I behave if I drink with my friends.” Sure, sometimes I do wish I have other people to sing along with when I’m in the middle of that, but then by downing another shot of vodka, I would usually go meh and go back to my own thoughts.

I’ve met plenty of good people also. Someone actually offered me a chair after I stood for too long, saying that we could take turns, but when I offered for him to sit back, he refused, showing a true sign of gentleman side right there and then. On the same night, I also tried to be the nice person - I offered my lighter to a group of friends who seemed to be in trouble of lighting their cigarettes, decided to just put it on the table so they could borrow it easily, only to find it missing, taken with them, the second they scored themselves a table.

Ever since I started living by myself, I’m very much used to do everything alone. On the weekends, I usually just hop from one mall to another to get something to eat. Some friends said it looks sad, but I don’t really see what’s wrong with it...? I mean sure you won’t have anyone to talk to, but at the end of the day there’s nothing really wrong with it either. I get things done faster, much like what I mentioned above as well.

Breakfast, lunch, dinner alone? Check. Shopping for clothes alone? Check. Going to cafe just to work alone? Check. Watching movies alone? Check. Karaoke alone? Check. It’s not like I don’t have friends, and also it’s not like I don’t like going out with friends, but I’m just saying that doing things alone is nothing wrong and nothing to be weirded about, really.

I’m not completely content with loneliness, though, which is something completely different from being alone, something that maybe I should save from some other time.

With the way I look and the way I dress, it feels a lot less dangerous doing this, really. It doesn’t make it completely safe, I know, but at least I will push away men with dirty eyes as there’s nothing to ogle at.

Tips for drinking alone? Arrive early. There’s nothing wrong than drinking alone AND not getting a seat. I know being drunk at like 8 PM is not really fun, but you don’t really need that anyway. The point of doing this is just to drink your problems away, anyway. Go there early, down a few glasses and a few shots, get home early, sleep, and you will less shitty in the morning.

It’s just fun watching people. I like doing that. I do that a lot when I’m doing things alone, but in bars where people are under influence and they let themselves free more, it gets way more interesting. You find the couples, the third wheel, the group of girls who scream at every song, those who clearly don’t want to be there, the ones who look like they’ll fall pass down on the floor any minute n-- yep there she goes. It’s pretty much the sight you can see anywhere (except for the last one), only louder, and funnier.

What’s the point of this writing?
As always, nothing.

Have fun being alone!


Cheers,
C.

"Have you ever felt like you’re drowning in day to day life, like you can’t get any rest?"

Title from: U - Alex Lustig, NOVAA [Spotify | YouTube].

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Life is filled with emotional roller coaster.
Most of the time, it’s not predictable, which makes it good and bad at the same time.

I don’t like surprises - I like things to be certain and if I can get a heads up on what’s about to happen, I would be happy. I like to be prepared, I like to be in control of my own state and situation, I like when things are scheduled and neat and structured because that’s the base of every good story, in my book.

I do admit that getting something good unexpectedly feels amazing. Feels great. With the way I beat myself up and kick myself down most of the time, this happened more than I can imagine. It’s pretty much a contradiction with the paragraph I wrote above, but you know, when things are going great, it would be foolish to curse the situation, ain’t it?

On the other hand, when something bad happens out of your will, it sucks more than anything. As someone who likes things to be planned out, I tend to have expectations of how the result is going to be. And in case you didn’t know, in the words of the great Phil Dunphy, “The most amazing things that can happen to a human being will happen to you, if you just lower your expectations.”

I suck at that.
I suck at lowering my expectations.

I never like it when something bad happens out of the blue, outside of my expectations, under the radar, attacking me with no preparation. I never take it well when something bad happens, because it means I don’t prepare well and I let myself down.

Which is why I was so devastated when you walked out on us.

"Now that I can see how love becomes the enemy. They say there's nothing you can do, but that's what they want you to believe."

Title from: Bombay Blue - Mystery Jets [Spotify | YouTube].

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Isn't it ironic
That after my last writing
I was forced to let go
Without even a warning
When I tried my best not to?

Universe taught me a lesson once again, yet I'd never learn.