Title from: Space Makes Me Sad - Fiji Blue [Spotify | Youtube].
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Today, I decided to just strip everything bare and write straight from the heart.
So hi, kid. This is going to be a really stupid letter.
Part of it is because writing a letter would be the easiest way to get this over with. Another part is because whenever we talk, I can't seem to tell you everything, so I figured that we kill two birds with one stone and just dump all for you to read.
Man, I could tell that this would be a big disaster.
What's going on, you asked, and I could not come up with anything but good, because things were good at the time since I was with you. But it couldn't be further from truth. It's okay, at best, really. And no, not okay in a pessimistic way of me seeing things that you always criticized—things are really just okay at best. We both know I don't do okay. We both know I don't even do good. I aim for great. I thrive in awful. So you can probably predict how life's been treating me these days.
Did you do anything new lately, you asked, and I said not really, but that was kind of half lie. You used to tell me that I needed to spare some time to do more things I've always wanted to try, and it's funny how I now have all the time in the world and I still spend most of them doing absolutely nothing exciting. Life has been about movies and shows and drinking and cats. Ah, right. Cats. I now have nine. I wanted to show you the newborns but I figured there was not enough time and we had better things to talk about. Nine cats are a lot, I think we all know I'm such a fool for thinking I could do it. But I'm hanging on. At least it makes things interesting when I'm alone at some nights and my mind wanders to places.
Are you still drinking, you asked, and this one I scoffed because it was pretty silly—we both know the question was rhetorical. Of course you know the exact answer, and it's not like you've stopped getting stupid texts at 3AM these days. I could only answer with sometimes, and I know you're not impressed with the lie, but we really don't have to go into details, don't you think? It's manageable. It keeps my brain from spiraling. Hey, I'm trying. Thanks for the concern, though. I always like seeing you get frustrated of my life choices.
Are you traveling somewhere else this year, and I said no, and I think that's the most honest I've been throughout the whole Q&A session. I do miss traveling. I miss dragging my luggage in foreign lands. I miss eating alone in cities where I barely speak the language. I miss stuffing my suitcases with snacks I would probably eat weeks before expiration dates. I miss just strolling at night, people watching, looking at cars in traffics, something you always told me that it's stupid it would even be parts of my itinerary. I think I'm going to plan one soon, impulsively. Things have been too bland and I need to spice things up by falling in love with random civilians I'll never see again.
What have you been watching lately, you asked, and I couldn't give you a straight answer. Truth be told, I'm so into Big Brother these days. It's so intense, man. Yes, I did finish the last season of Love Island too, thanks for asking. I'm sorry that I couldn't come up with any good show recommendation because it feels so hollow lately I can't seem to follow plotlines and just need to continuously be stuffed with reality TVs. I binged past seasons of Big Brother too. Do you think I could survive in Big Brother house? I doubt so. I would suck at all comps and I would probably piss people off so fucking much I'd get evicted by week two.
Are you still thinking about me, and that one was a lie — that's just something I slipped into this because there's no chance in hell you would actually asked me. I still do. Maybe not as much as I used to, but I still think of you heavily. There have been less what-ifs, though. It's just pure thoughts these days, like wondering what you're up to, or if you've been eating well, or if you finally get to buy the cheesecake you've been craving for months. Still kicking myself for taking too long to buy you one, feels like the moments have passed and you would probably curse at me if I follow through in the end. I would still do it if you ask me to, though.
What else. Let's see.
I've been trying to take my meds regularly, and no, I haven't been succeeding. I haven't been to the gym for like a month. I know I should go back. I still haven't learned how to drive. I'm still wearing your necklace every once in a while, but I once left it in the bathroom for too long and now I've changed the pendant to something else. I'm still not eating chocolate and yes, I've tried like, multiple times. Maybe one day, kid. My family's fine. My mom's fine. My sister's fine. I ran into a door last week and my lip was fucking swollen for a few days. Like, comically large. I tried journaling and it didn't work. I'm still not seeing anyone—I've also tried. Few flings here and there, but like, nothing really happened. Not yet. Maybe. And yes, I'm still a big flirt but you know how dumb I am at these things so unless someone screams in front of my face I wouldn't know if it's true, so I guess it'll stay that way for now. I also wonder if you're seeing someone else, though.
You know I suck at writing an ending and apparently with letter format it still doesn't help. So I guess that's all for now? I hope you're always surrounded by warmth and happiness, just like how you always wish the same for me.
Here's to more trips around the sun. Take care.