Title from: History - 88rising, Rich Brian [Spotify | YouTube]
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I think one of the biggest misconception about me is that I have high self-love.
Since I'm pretty much very self-centered and I like being center of attention, people think I have no problem loving myself, and I'm doing great in self-esteem department.
Wrong.
My self-hatred is something that sinks in so deep, it can get out no matter how much it tries. People who are very close to me, or even people who have read this blog at its early days, would realize how much I actually loathe myself, which is an issue I'm still trying to fix.
Contrary to popular belief, I tend to blame myself when something goes wrong.
I think my career is the only place where I don't apply that kind of thinking, but for other sectors, I always know I will somehow fuck up and ruin things.
It gets worse in relationships - as every heartbreak, every breakup, every betrayal, every lies; everything bad that ever happened when I was exclusive with someone else, I would dump the blame on myself.
When my last relationship ended, despite how much of a fuckery it was, and how much of a douche he was, I still thought deep down that I might take part on it. The fact that he mentioned he needed more affection made me feel guilty for being so busy, although everyone knew it was just an excuse he used to be let off the hook. I still thought of him long after he was gone, blaming myself for revealing his acts, despite knowing that was the right thing to do.
I guess that's also the reason why I'm so ambitious, because I need to beat the voices inside my head telling me I'm worthless and useless and I always fuck up at any given chance.
Those voices are the most demonic ones you could ever witness - as anyone with voices would agree on. You are your worst enemy, they said, and I can very much confirm that it is true.
I like how people actually think otherwise, though. When I was younger it was so obvious that I was depressed to my closed ones - the depressive words, the cuts, the starvation, all these attempts to punish myself - it was an obvious hint towards what I was going through. Still subtle to common eyes, but even I was sad at my state.
Right now, I don't think people realized it as much.
I don't think people realized it at all.
I don't think I realized it sometimes, even.
Except for relationship, I now try to justify my actions and telling myself that is what I need to do and it's okay to treat myself once in a while. I now try to think that not all of my opinions are stupid, and I now try to tell myself that I'm not useless and if something breaks, I'm not all responsible for it.
The voices still try to get me at night, though. Still telling me what could and would and should have been. Still telling me if I was a little less stupid, things would be much better. If I fucked up a little less, I would have been happier.
And fighting those voices is one of the hardest things in life.
I guess with love or relationship, it really is hard to battle against them.
I'm not particularly attractive, nor am I smart or funny - I guess people would fall out of love to me eventually, it's pretty much given. And I'll be haunted by the thoughts of me dying alone again.
Every 3 AM.
Every 4 AM.
Or sometimes, when it's really severe, at 11 AM when I'm in the middle of a fun and normal conversation with friends.
I still blame myself for the heartbreaks I went through.
Cause, alright, they were assholes. But I gave them the chances to be, no?
